I would just like to take a quick moment to speak about what is quite possibly my favorite social platform, Instagram. I freaking love Instagram. I have often considered moving my blog to Instagram because no one wants to read what I write anyway.
However, I do think there some things you should and should not post on Instagram. Listen to these tips. I am a professional.
Continue Posting These Things:
Photos of yourself lookin’ all fresh: You have to be careful with this one. Don’t turn into that girl with an Instagram account full of bathroom mirror shots. You gotta get creative with the selfie, y’all. If you just got a blowout — girl, you better show that ish off! You look hot. Own it! A blowout only lasts, like, 12 hours tops. That hair needs to be documented for posterity.
Your Food: There are people who may disagree with me on this, but those people are wrong. Continue to post photos of your birthday fois gras or that “homemade” salad you made. I also enjoy the food captions greatly. Like when people call basic spaghetti, “fresh basil and tomato infused red sauce over organic bow tie pasta with hand grated parmesan cheese.” Continue doing that.
The city you live in: Many of the people I follow live in NYC, aka the most photogenic city in the world. Yes, I have seen the NYC skyline, like, a bajillion times by now. However, when you put the right filter on the Chryster Building, something inside me changes and I fall in love with it all over again. The same goes for you DC folks. The Capitol Building never gets old. Neither do photos of affluent Georgetown neighborhoods.
Throw Back Thursday: Let’s never stop doing this.
Artsy shots of random things: Nail polish bottles are art. I want to see them through your creative vision. While you’re at it, slap some Lo-Fi on that shot to boost the color.
Your outfit/nails: Because, obviously.
Things you should stop posting:
Screen shots of quotes: These quotes never make sense. They always say something absurd like, “No matter how deep the river, all you have to do is believe you can cross it to reach your dreams.” What? I don’t understand this. Save your dumb quotes for Pinterest (Yes, I have a dumb Pinterest quote board — and it’s the best.)
You ‘taking a nap’ with your significant other: This is bad because it perpetuates a lie. We all know ”sleeping in each others arms” is a myth created by Nicholas Sparks to sell books and make women think their relationships are inadequate. Also, we know the couple-sleeping photo is just a glorified selfie. So basically you are pretending to be asleep, which is just too embarrassing. If there is a third person in the room photographing your slumber, please stop what you’re doing and call the police.
Screen shots of those little yellow iPhone notes: This scenerio plays out something like this: Person writes, “If u aren’t gonna call me back, fine… if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” in their notepad on their iPhone. Then said person takes a screen shot of the note and posts it on Insagram. This is a mistake because Instagram is about making photographic art out of nail polish bottles, not passive agression. Also, we are skirting dangerously into FB territory with that type of behavior. I don’t care about your relationship, I care about what color your nails are. Post your nails.
Anything else you want to add?