Welcome to my dorkiest post EVERRRR!
I have noticed a trend lately. Every two to three years an extraordinary woman comes along and writes a series of books that changes the landscape of America. Meaning, everyone starts reading when before they were all sitting around being fat and watching The Bachelor. THEN, those books get turned into epic movies that everyone gets to go see at the theater so they can resume being carb lovers. Let’s be honest, the $135 movie theater popcorn is truly irresistible (truly — it is freaking delicious).
I find this INCREDIBLY exciting because my three favorite things (in order) are books, movies and eating things that are bad for me (Yea, I know, fashion isn’t on this list. Weird.)
So ANYWAY America is obsessed with The Hunger Games. A mediocre book series about killing your friends. Before that, America was obsessed with Twilight, a horrible book series (and movie series) about a tragic autistic girl, her sparkly boyfriend and their shirtless, gay best friend. Before that America was obsessed with Harry Potter, an extraordinary book series (and movie sensation) about a trio of wizards who battle the Dark Lord (so much win).
So even though I think Harry Potter is (by far) the best of all of these fantasy series, I decided I would rank them from 1 to 10 and see what my
honest, objective opinion reveals in the end! Let’s gooooo!
Katniss Everdeen: Gets automatic points for making a moderately lame pastime, archery, seem really cool. She is also independent and kills people without getting weird and girly about it. All of this changes in book three, though, when she starts sucking. Now, about the movie. I was pretty annoyed when they tapped Jennifer Lawrence for this part. Then I remembered her role in Winter’s Bone. Enough said.
Points (out of ten): 6
Harry Potter: Being a wizard is super awesome, attending (literally) the coolest school in the universe is even awesomer. Being perpetually hunted by a crazy snake man for your entire life is the awesomest. However, Harry can get pretty angsty and annoying. Am I right, y’all? It was like, one second we were all happy and playing Quidditch, then the next we were sulking off by the Womping Willow.
Bella Swan: I have to give Hollywood credit for taking the most flat, vapid, insipid, and silly character and finding the most emotionally challenged and sullen actress to pay her. Bella Swan is the worst.
Points: 1 (a pity point)
The Two Comrades
Gale and Peeta: “Oh great, another lame love triangle,” says everyone in the universe. But somehow, these two make it work. They are still both kind of pathetic though. And the casting — Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend and a hobbit. For real? No thanks.
Ron and Hermione: Aren’t these two the best? Talk about the best best friends in the world. Always down for whatever and hilarious and willing to do your homework. Seriously? Is there any contest? These are the two best comrades ever. Except that Ron can be sort of stupid and Hermione can be a total boss (which is why we love her so it really isn’t that bad).
Edward and Jacob: You may remember that we were first introduced to Edward Cullen in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire where he played a lovable Hufflepuff. Then things went terribly, terribly wrong and he wound up in Twilight where he immediately became awful. Despite Ed’s wretchedness, Jake really does make the entire Twilight series for being an oversized, poorly executed CGI dog. So he gets points.
President Snow: Dear me! This man is all kinds of scary and vindictive. I hated him. He is the best villain ever! I loved his story line, too. Also, President Snow made book three not suck so badly So that right there is an amazing accomplishment.
Lord Voldemort: For you people who think Harry Potter is just for kids, answer me this: Would you want to put a poster of this face in your child’s bedroom? I didn’t think so. Voledmort is pretty awful because he is a stone-faced killer, y’all! Voldie does some serious damage to the cast of Harry Potter, too. He doesn’t play.
The Volturi: Remember these losers? Yea, I don’t either.
Points: 1 (another pity point)
So, let’s see how everyone faired (I am bad at math, so beware)
Hunger Games: 19
Harry Potter: 26
Harry Wins!!! (of course)